Here we go…

5 Sep

I’m not sure how to start this post. I haven’t written in a long…..long time. Ive been thinking about this…thinking about how to actually say this. I’ve needed to get over the shock and surprise of what I’m about to say.

I’ll start with this….

Things were great. The hubs and I found out that I’m pregnant. It was a bit sooner than we expected, but we were both super excited. I found out immediately…at 4 weeks or so. And I was anxious about going to the doctor, making sure everything was ok.

The hubs and I went to my first prenatal appointment when I was 10 weeks…I mean. I had known for six weeks and it felt like forever. I didn’t want to tell anyone because I had witnessed others go through miscarriages and I just don’t like to express grief in front of others. That’s just me. I don’t fault any woman for disclosing pregnancy information whenever she wants to…it’s her prerogative…I digress.

I’m going to be honest…the entire 6 weeks I was thinking exactly is, “I really hope it’s just one.”. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against twins. My mother is a twin. My husband has fraternal twin brothers (I know what you’re thinking…it runs in the family). I was nervous. This would be our first child and the thought of more than one was scary. To be honest, the thought of just one was pretty scary, but I felt like we were up to the task.

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We go to the doctor and have an ultrasound…and sure enough…the first the thing doctor says is,”and…you have two”

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“two”

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“TWO”

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It echoed in my head. And there they were…they were babies. They didn’t look like beans or aliens or anything that I had seen in my pregnancy books. They had arms and legs and beating hearts and brains. It was one of the craziest, most amazing things I’ve ever seen.

I would love to conclude this story by saying that I fell in love with them immediately and I wasn’t freaked out any more. Well folks…that is just darn wrong.

The hubs and I went to dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant…because that’s what we do when something exciting happens…and I couldn’t eat. I felt sort of sick. The feeling sick was normal…I’ve had some pretty amazing nausea. But the not being able to eat was not. Ive been ravenously hungry the entire pregnancy. I was in a sort of shock that I’d never felt before. The idea of being responsible for two beings inside of me was a bit too much at the time.

And, to be honest, the coming to grips with what I had to give for these humans. I knew I wouldn’t be able to drink any more. That was a given (as my mother-in-law would say). I knew I would have to eat more and eat more healthful foods. I was kind of excited about that. I knew I would gain some weight…less exited about that, but willing for a healthy baby.

But with twins…as Rachel from http://www.rachaelkincaid.blogspot.com/ says…Twins are different. No more running for me. Eating and gaining weight have multiplied by a ton (ok…an exaggeration, but that’s what it feels like). I’m so tired ALL THE TIME. I thought I used to go to bed early, 10pm. Now, I’m happy to go to bed at 9… Though most nights I’d prefer 8.

There were days when i would be a bit resentful. Giving so much of myself and my body for these fetuses. The worst part about all of that is that I felt guilty for feeling that way. Which compounded the problem. With some help of a couple of books geared specifically for multiple pregnancies, I have come to grip with those feelings and accepted them.

That’s another reason I haven’t visited and shared in a while. I wasn’t ready to be positive. And i wasn’t ready to admit that I was feeling any negativity.

So now…I can say..I’m having twins!!!
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And I only feel like this a little bit….

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This is what Charli thinks…

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You can tell she’s super excited.

Hope everyone had a happy Labor Day!

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2 Responses to “Here we go…”

  1. Ashley September 5, 2011 at 11:31 pm #

    Friend! YOU are amazing! I love your honesty and I can imagine feeling the exact same way. I’m so glad you are feeling more at peace with the idea of “two.” If anyone can raise twins, it’s you. Seriously. You’re strong [mentally + physically], smart, loving, beeeautiful, generous, etc. etc. and you are going to be an outstanding mother. I just know it!! xoxo So happy for you + Penn!

  2. bein good to me September 8, 2011 at 10:06 pm #

    WOW congratulations!!! Although I have no idea what you’re going through (having never been pregnant with twins…or with anything for that matter!) I can definitely understand why you might feel that way.
    Sending lots of positive thoughts to you and the babies! 🙂
    -Lisa

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